Tom: The radiant guy with the perfect facade

Tom was what many called a “radiant guy”. As a sports student, he not only shone with his well-trained body, but also with his charisma. He was involved in an independent church congregation, took on responsibility at events and sometimes even preached at youth evenings. His words were inspiring, his appearance self-confident and his circle of friends large. He was a role model for most people: sporty, good-looking, full of faith – and seemingly untouchable.

But behind the façade, Tom was a different person. There was an insecurity deep inside him that he didn’t want to admit to himself. Criticism hit him hard, even if it was presented carefully and lovingly. He often reacted excessively, defended himself vehemently or attacked his critics verbally. Sometimes he did this directly, sometimes through subtle manipulation: he would confide in a friend how unfairly someone had treated him, thus turning the person into his defender.

The truth was: Tom couldn’t stand criticism because it shook the image he had built up of himself. An image that he had to protect at all costs.

Conflicts and the growing tension

One day, during a planning meeting for a large youth camp, an open conflict arose. Anna, one of the most committed members of staff, dared to question one of Tom’s proposals. “I think it’s a good idea, Tom, but I don’t think it suits our target group. Perhaps we should consider an alternative approach.”

Tom froze. The room remained silent for a moment. Then he gave a forced smile and said: “Interesting point. But I think we’d better follow the proven plan here.” His voice sounded calm, but he was seething. Anna had embarrassed him in front of the group, at least that’s how it felt.

After the meeting, he spoke to his closest friends. “Anna is always so critical,” he said casually. “I sometimes wonder whether she’s really pulling in the same direction as us.” Within a few days, the atmosphere in the team was poisoned. Others felt the underlying pressure to side with either Tom or Anna. Some colleagues avoided her without knowing why. Anna felt isolated and eventually withdrew from the team.

The turning point

Word of Tom’s behavior began to spread around him. People who had previously admired him realized that they didn’t always feel safe around him. A close friend, Jonas, approached him about it one evening. They were sitting together in a café and Jonas said directly: “Tom, I have to tell you something. You’re a great guy, but I feel like you don’t handle criticism well. You get tough sometimes, and it seems like criticism hurts you deeply.”

Tom wanted to get out of the way at first. “That’s not fair, Jonas. I just want everything to go well.”

Jonas remained calm. “Perhaps. But sometimes it feels like you’re not defending yourself, but an image of yourself that you want to protect. And that not only hurts others, but also makes you vulnerable.”

These words cut Tom to the heart. For the first time, he asked himself why criticism hurt him so much. Why did he feel attacked so quickly? He lay awake for a long time that night thinking about Jonas’ words.

Tom’s childhood and the old pattern

The answer came to him as he remembered his youth. Tom’s father had been a demanding man who rarely gave praise. He took good performance for granted, but mistakes were severely criticized. Tom had learned early on that he had to earn recognition – and that a single mistake was enough to destroy the image others had of him. This pattern had carried over into his adult life.

The image Tom had built up of himself – the perfect, strong, radiant man – was a protective shield. It was supposed to prevent him from confronting the parts of himself that he didn’t like: his doubts, his insecurities, his fear of not being enough.

The healing begins

Tom began to come to terms with these dark parts. It was a painful process. A counselor from his church accompanied him and helped him to see himself through different eyes. “Tom, God didn’t make you perfect, but he made you lovable. You are not defined by the image you have of yourself, but by the love God has for you.”

Slowly, Tom learned to accept criticism without seeing it as a threat. He realized that it was okay to make mistakes and that he was valuable despite his weaknesses. He apologized to Anna and talked to the team about his behavior. It wasn’t an immediate change, but it was a first step.

The mirror becomes clearer

Tom’s story is a journey from self-rejection to self-acceptance. Like Narcissus from Greek mythology, he had long looked into an idealized reflection without realizing that he didn’t really know himself. But unlike Narcissus, Tom found a way to reconcile with his true self. He realized that true strength lies in admitting weakness and that healing is possible when you face yourself honestly.

At the end of his journey, Tom was still an impressive guy. But this time he wasn’t just a picture, he was a person – real, vulnerable, and therefore all the more inspiring.

* A fictional story with a kernel of truth.

Is Tom a narcissist? What does narcissism really mean?

Narcissism is often described as excessive self-absorption. In fact, narcissism manifests itself in the fact that we reject ourselves and project an idealized image to the outside world, behind which we hide.

The “typical narcissist” is a rarity. Rather, we all have narcissistic traits in us to varying degrees. The more exciting question is therefore not whether Tom is narcissistic, but what his story reveals about all of us. Where do you recognize parallels to yourself?

Do you have moments when you cling to an image of yourself that you want to show others, while your true self remains in the background?

Which of the following narcissistic traits do you recognize in Tom – and which might you recognize in yourself?

Our approach to coaching: meeting yourself honestly

Narcissism is often a protective strategy that conceals deep insecurities and self-doubt. Discovering who we really are – beyond the façade – is a gift: it means marveling at our true strengths and exploring what we are capable of. But our weaknesses are also part of us. It is precisely these that have often led us to put on the masks behind which we hide.

In coaching for narcissism, we accompany you on a journey to greater authenticity and inner strength. You learn to become aware of your strengths and weaknesses. This is not about dismissing your weaknesses or suppressing them. Rather, we help you to accept them, reconcile with them and understand their roots. This process opens the way to real change – a change that does not result in perfection, but in peace with yourself.

You won’t have to become a completely different person – and that’s not necessary. Instead, you can learn to take the sharpness and bitterness out of your weaknesses and consciously use your strengths. Step by step, you will become a person who honestly loves themselves and can be a blessing to others through this love.